Give It to Yourself

With social distancing in full swing, I am reading at an unprecedented rate. I joined a virtual book club with some ladies I've never met via Instagram. I am reading on my own (partially as part of my morning routine, which you can read about here) and partially on my own accord after work. 

Oprah is kind of my God right now. The Gifts of Imperfection is my bible, but Oprah is my deity. She also has a couple of books, and I have read them both front-to-back two times each since this all went down. Amongst other reading. I'm not exaggerating when I say literature has completely taken over my life in the absolute best way. 

So, anyway, I've read Oprah's books a whole bunch recently and I had this intense revelation while reading What I Know for Sure. 

 “There is one irrefutable law of the universe: We are each responsible for our own life. If you're holding anyone else accountable for your happiness, you're wasting your time. You must be fearless enough to give yourself the love you didn't receive.”

Fucking woah. Like, okay. You're right. This dug deep into my soul. Which, maybe it doesn't for you, or maybe it does. I'm hoping you're like me, and you didn't even know you needed to read it until you read it.

I am the ~queen~ of looking outside of myself for happiness. I used to put that on the individuals I wanted to date, and I'll admit that openly. I remember literally longing in the deepest ways to be with people because then I could finally be happy! I didn't feel beautiful unless someone was telling me I was. (Only the people I wanted to, more specifically. I wouldn't even dream of hearing it come out of the mouths of those who love me in familial or platonic ways.) I didn't feel special unless someone was showing me the attention I wanted. You know the drill.

There's a couple of things that are hilarious about this, hindsight 20/20. First and foremost, I have probably never communicated my needs to anyone other than my therapist. I depend on people to read my mind constantly (I'm working on this actively now that I have pin-pointed it, believe me.) And even if I had communicated it, I don't think it is sustainable to expect that from other people.

When I date people or "talk" to them or whatever you want to call it now that it's 2020 and dating is a freaking confusing mind game, I have this deep-rooted anxiety that they're going to leave which, I know for sure, will leave me feeling unworthy and less happy. That's a shit ton of pressure to put on someone, especially someone who doesn't even know what I need. Am I right?

And bonus, I've come to learn that I then, out of fear, self-sabotage everything so that them leaving isn't a surprise. Clearly, this is something I've looked into a lot and I've pretty much diagnosed every step of this process alongside my saint of a therapist. And now, strangers and my distant friends alike know more about my inner-workings than they probably ever wanted to. You're welcome.

There's a point to all of this though. I have seen what the quote above said in many different variations on Pinterest and Tumblr over the years, and only when I read it in her book did it really click with me. I believe that it's partially because there's nothing she could say that wouldn't amaze me, and partially because I've done some of the work that's allowed me to believe it and am open to putting in the work to act upon it further.

So, I looked inward and thought to myself, "What is it that I'm looking for from others that I need to start giving myself?"

My love languages are without a doubt acts of service and quality time. Oh and I also love receiving gifts. I love giving any and everyone in my life little gifts out of the blue or big gifts for momentous occasions (when my finances allow, sigh) and I also enjoy just being with my people and pouring into them. And I try to do little acts of service wherever I can, whether it's grabbing my bestie's daughter something at the store because I know she's sick and might need it, or running to the pharmacy to grab my mom's prescription because I know it's on her to-do list and she is busy as hell.

Taking that a step further, I tried to figure out what my unspoken expectations surrounding relationships are. When I think of my like, dream relationship, I expect a lot of little things to happen. Maybe they're realistic, maybe not, who's to say. I like presents. Partially because I'm extremely materialistic, and partially because that's one of my love languages and it shows me that people are listening to me when I talk about things I enjoy. And I also expect people to want to spend a lot of time with me, and compliment me a lot, and like, just admire the shit out of me.

I feel like these aren't that far of a cry from what most people want, but I decided that I need to really give myself some of the shit I look for externally so that rather than searching for a relationship to be happy (which is a God damn trap) I can search for a relationship for other reasons. More realistic and sustainable reasons. Less self-serving reasons. I'd like to just meet someone and like them and who they are and feel that they'd compliment my life and I'd compliment there's. Expectations much larger than that are a breeding ground for disappointment.

This isn't me saying that whoever I'm with can just not spend time with me or not appreciate my love languages and be a shitbag and I'll just sit there and complacently take it. What this is saying is that I won't rush into anything to get happier, or stay in anything hopeless for too long for the possibility of increased happiness one day when they wake up and realize I'm pretty cool.

So, I've been giving myself what I want. From platonic and romantic friendships alike. I like little gifts and stuff, so I've been buying myself flowers every week for no real reason other than I think they're pretty and they liven up my apartment. This started as something I did for my 3-month sober-versary that I've continued because I then realized how happy they made me. I do things that I enjoy and I do them as much as I possibly can. Reading, meditating, intentionally listening to music, etc. That's how I spend quality time with myself and make myself feel whole as an individual.

I really don't know that those things are radical self-love acts, or if they're just signs that I'm intentionally pouring into myself. Maybe those are the same thing. But I can say this: I am good at making myself happy. I am not dependent on my friends, or people I might date, or even my family for happiness. All of these people do add to my life, but at the core, I'm working at being complete all on my own. That is a very worthwhile project, let me tell you!

I challenge you to do a couple of things. Figure out where your needs aren't being met. Figure out your love languages and how you can love language yourself…? Make a list of 3 things you expect people to do that aren't getting done, and start doing them for your damn self because ultimately, Oprah is right (duh) and your happiness is your responsibility. It's really easy to put that job on our spouse or girlfriend or the new person you're talking to. It's easy because it requires no effort on our part and we're allowed to hold someone else responsible for feeling unfulfilled. But, I have news: the only person you have forever is yourself and whether society enforces it or not, that is the most worthwhile relationship to develop. Whether you're single, married, in a long-time relationship, or somewhere in between those options, there's no excuse to not be filling in the gaps and making yourself happy before you make it someone else's job.

Here are some ideas on how to fulfill yourself based on your love language. I feel they are pretty self-explanatory and you may not need a layout, but some people don't even know what the love languages are.

Words of affirmation: Throw sticky notes on your mirror. Do one a day about how bomb your ass looks in your new jeans, or how pretty your eyes are. Whatever it is, give yourself those words and read 'em back to yourself every day. I don't know why everyone else isn't complimenting you, either, but compliments from yourself to yourself can be super fulfilling.

Acts of service: This is anything, essentially, that requires thought, time and intentional effort to go outside yourself and do. Cook yourself a meal (with like whole ingredients and little to no ingredients that come out of a box, perhaps.) It's something that you know you need, and know you don't always have time or means to do.

Receiving gifts: Buy yourself the pint of Ben and Jerry's. Or the Fab Fit Fun subscription. It doesn't have to be glamorous or expensive (it can be, but also don't dig yourself into debt in the name of self-appreciation.)

Quality time: Put your phone down and journal. Or color in that adult coloring book that you bought when those were a big deal and haven't touched since. The idea is to do something you enjoy, distraction-free, that fills your soul.

Physical touch: This one is a little harder to do on your own if you crave exterior touch, but I've read that textures can come into play here. Curl up in your favorite sweater or blanket. I feel like there's a lot of NSFW suggestions that I'll just let you arrive at on your own.

Also, I need you to get The Path Made Clear and What I Know for Sure by the one and only Oprah, and dive into those. I freaking loved them as I've made alarmingly, obsessively clear. I needed them when I stumbled upon them and I feel like most people need them. At the very least, download the Libby app and check them out at no expense to you. They're worth it.